Lesson Learned: Be careful with the words, "I need..."

He was an ass. But I messed up.

Years ago I called a senior trial lawyer for information for an RFP response. He wasn't on the RFP team, but we needed his experience and planned to include him in the "deep bench" section of our proposal.

I was coordinating the RFP response, so it was natural for me to contact lawyers to gather the pieces we needed. I called Dick*, told him what we were doing, how we planned to use the information, and what we needed from him.

Specifically, I said "I need a list of your relevant trials with approximate dates."

Dick was cordial enough. I hung up and returned to my proposal draft. A moment later, my phone rang, Dick calling back.

"Hi Dick. What's up?"

"'You need?' 'You need?' Last time I checked, you work for us. We don't work for you!"

Dick was shouting so loudly that I held the phone away from my ear. I immediately apologized and tried to diffuse the situation. I was stunned. I hadn't intended to offend him and didn't realize that my word choice rubbed him the wrong way.

Try Questions Instead of Statements

When I think back, I get it. I don't excuse his yelling, but I get it. In my haste and directness, I relayed the message, put myself at the center of the project. We can all do that when burdened and/or under pressure.

At no point did I put myself in Dick's shoes. I expected his time and experience in exchange for a mere cameo in the proposal. It's what the RFP team expected of me, but how I did it mattered.

I didn't even ask for Dick's help, I just told him what the group needed, what "I" needed. I assumed his cooperation, and I took him for granted.

In the moment, it had felt straightforward. Yet I can see where my approach left him wanting. I can even see how he might think I was the rude one.

A couple of things would have been better than "I need."

1. Even "we need" would have been a dramatic improvement. It would have reinforced that this was a team activity and collegial in nature, even if the end result might have been the same. (Pissing Dick off.)

   
   

2. A question would have been better. "Can you please share a list of your relevant trials with approximate dates?"

The question format is simple yet elegant. For starters, it reminds us to use "please" and "thank you," which I clearly forgot. Just as importantly, it empowers a lawyer to reply benevolently.

Ultimately, it matters a lot how our clients feel when we ask them to help us. This is especially important when the lawyers we ask for help aren't the ones directly benefiting from a project.

I hear "I need" a lot from marketing and BD professionals, and today I cringe because of my experience with the phrase.

What words have you learned you have to be careful with?

*Not his real name.